Warning: First World Problems Ahead – Read at Your Own Discretion
I once read a quote that read something like, “‘Tis better to relish the changing of the seasons than to live for summer.” I try to repeat that to myself on days like today. Because there is nothing more mundane than bitching about the winter, right?
Problem is, the only way to get me to stop verbally complaining is to write it all down into one glorious self-indulgent rant. So if you love winter, this post is not for you.
You see, global warming is just making the winters even shittier. I know I’m fortunate not to be six feet deep in snow like my friends in Boston, but seeing a 10-day-forecast that barely crawls above single digits makes me want to board the next flight to Florida. But the thing is, I like living in Philadelphia and I like seeing leaves fall in the autumn and trees bloom in the spring.
But most of all I love summer. Even when it is 110 degrees and the city smells like hot garbage, I will go sweat out every ounce of fluid from my body in an unairconditioned CrossFit gym with no complaints.
Because summer is the opposite of winter. And this is winter:
Piles of wet hats, scarves, mittens, coats, stroller blankets, and boots muddled in an unyielding pile of tracked filth stretching well through the living room.
Never-ending laundry brought on by above items as well as many, many layers of socks, sweaters, and sweatshirts.
Avoiding the mirror because no amount of makeup will cover the pale, sickly, swollen look that tells the world, “I have barely left the house since Christmas.”
And why haven’t I left the house – apart from the bitter cold and snow? Viruses swapped like Halloween candy among all members of the household. Stomach viruses! Ear infections! Non-stop runny noses, hacking coughs, and inexplicable illnesses that leave you bedridden for days!
Social media photos of other people on tropical vacations! Without their children! And also lots of photos of people enjoying their “ski cabins.” When did this become a thing where everyone has a ski cabin with like six other families who all drink hot cocoa together and have kids who snowboard like Shaun White? My kids can barely walk through snow. Which brings me to:
Snow Days! Nothing is better than paying for childcare on top of childcare! Or just accepting that you will not be working on these days and instead watching Frozen ad nauseum. Or maybe you’ll bake cookies and eat them all in one sitting because in winter you are:
A fat ass! That’s right! Forget training for that 10K you have in the spring because you won’t even want to walk to the damn gym. Places that used to be leisurely walks are now death marches complete with messed-up bus schedules, snow squalls, and layers of scarves leaving you unrecognizable and shapeless. And if you think you are lacking exercise:
Meet my hairless dog. He lays by a heating vent all day and wonders why the hell we brought him here from Georgia.
Also, only boring fruit and root vegetables are in season, it’s dark at 4:30 p.m., and all I want to do is open a window.